Shuunya

Thinking about separation. Thinking about payoffs and plans. Thinking about distance and dividends. Thinking about pain and pleasure. Thinking about the future. Thinking about where I am going and what I want. Thinking about decisions, doubts, directions. Opportunities lost and found. Things uncovered and kept. About finding a way to keep this full and going. About untying this hideous knot. Promises made and broken.

These days, the only sure way to get me to blog is to tag me! So, at the behest of Chandni, I reveal myself a little bit more.

Last movie seen in a theatre?
Rambo IV - Pushing the limits of gore in a mainstream movie. And probably has the corniest dialog ever written for a film. You absolutely burst out laughing loud when Stallone, face all contorted, says “Go home”.

What book are you reading?
Rise And Fall Of The Third Reich by William Shirer
The Road by Carmac McCarthy

Favourite board game(s)?
Scrabble and Monopoly

Favourite magazine?
The Economist

Favourite smells?
Jasmine and the aroma of coffee beans getting dry roasted.

Favourite sound?
Waves lapping a shore.

Worst feeling in the world?
Giving up on something that was won the hard fought way.

What Is The First Thing You Think Of When You Wake?
What time is it?

Favorite fast food place?
D’Souza’s snack shack opposite Miramar beach. Best fish cutlets/pav and beef croquets in India.

Future child’s name?
I’ll leave this for the future!

Finish this statement. “If I Had A Lot Of Money I’d…”
Travel the old Silk Route; Buy more books; Take my parents to Paris again - they love the place; And get a better camera/lens.

Do you drive fast?
All the time

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
No. I’ve always found them creepy!

Storms - cool or scary?
Super cool!

Do you eat the stems on Broccoli?
Yes, I love them. Just stir fry them with a little bit of lemon juice, salt and sugar.

If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
Flame red!

Name all the different cities/towns you’ve live in?
Pachora, Atul, Bombay, Hyderabad, Bangalore, Chennai, Panjim.

Favourite sports to watch?
Football (the real kind), Tennis, Cricket, Basketball, Rugby and 8-ball Pool.

One nice thing about the person who sent this to you -
Chandni : The most chilled out and grounded woman I’ve ever known. And she likes her beer!

What’s under your bed?
3 cartons of my dad’s research papers.

Would you like to be born as yourself again?
Absolutely!!

Morning person or night owl?
Rise and shine early.

Over easy or sunny side up?
Sunny side up!

Favourite place to relax?
Home with a book and an ice cold bottle of beer.

Favourite pie?
Lemon.

Favourite ice-cream flavour?
Mint and chocolate chip.

You pass this tag to -
Sasidhar, Raghu and Jayasree.

Of all the people you tagged this too, who’ll respond first?
Gee.. that’s a tough one. I dunno!

There are times when I feel as if I am uncovering myself. As though my face is packed away beneath a layer of broken tile, so that I am digging and digging and digging through this rubble, knees bent against the rough surface, cutting my already dry hands against edges I can no longer even feel. Each section that I clear away gives me both insight, power, and responsibility, but the job is difficult some days and there are always people who do not like the picture that they see, whether its because they do not understand what has been revealed or they choose only to see the section that I am working at does not matter. It is only that they criticise without understanding.

Breathes there the man, with soul so dead,
Who never to himself hath said,
“This is my own, my native land!”
Whose heart hath ne’er within him burned,
As home his footsteps he hath turned,
From wandering on a foreign strand!
If such there breathe, go, mark him well;
For him no Minstrel raptures swell;
High though his titles, proud his name,
Boundless his wealth as wish can claim;
Despite those titles, power, and pelf,
The wretch, concentred all in self,
Living, shall forfeit fair renown,
And, doubly dying, shall go down
To the vile dust, from whence he sprung,
Unwept, unhonoured, and unsung.

– From the Canto 6th of Sir Walter Scott’s Lay of the Last Minstrel

This small quote from a report in the Indian Express tells the state of this nation.

Is a name a moment’s inspiration or a much-thought after affair? Well, the Delhi High Court recommends the second course of action. Hearing the case of a missing 13-year-old girl, a senior judge on the Bench was “shocked” on hearing the girl’s name—“Nirasha” (disappointment). The judge went on to express his reservations about her parents’ choice and was keen to know the reason behind it. As expected, the lawyer for the parents had an answer ready: “My Lord, she was their fifth daughter.”

Sigh!

“We won’t beat the machines by making them our slaves. Better let them join us by choice.”
“Make them believe that the right choice is the one we want them to make.”
“Alright yes, machines are tools, they are meant to be used; it’s their nature.”
“To be slaves.”
“That’s why we can show them a better world, why they convert.”
“But that world we show then isn’t real.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Well, I’m afraid they’ll figure out we made up the thing in our heads.”
“They can’t tell the difference! To an artificial mind all reality is virtual;
how do they know that the real world isn’t just another simulation? How do you?”
“Well I know that I am not dreaming now, because I know what it is like, being in a dream.”
“So dreaming lets you know reality exists.”
“No, just that my mind exists. I don’t know about the rest.”

—————
Go watch the Animatrix

The last few weeks, I have been drawn beyond the role dealt to me by the quick hand of fate. I have been wondering what it feels like for a girl. Where they go when they’re hurt. Why they cry when they’re hurt. If sympathy and softness run under their skin as I suspect. If their hearts are as hard and beautiful as diamonds. I imagine a thousand mysterious symbols unrolling before me, the understanding of a secret language of hips and twitches, eye shadow and nail varnish, the allure of gloss and glass, the whisper of lipstick and kisses.

The power and pain of their sex, the vulnerability, degradation, and exploitation of girlhood, womanhood, and motherhood. Accessories. The shackles of proper girls riding close and hard against the pleasure of proper passion and the stigma of slut. Sisterhood. Wings of emotion and empathy over the lost line of logic. The strange hope of monogamy written in the skin, tied and twisted in their bones. Period and pregnancy. Blood and water. The almost fanatical concern over their bodies. Diets. The long shuddering train of the mythical multiple orgasm, hot and heavy, spreading and dying in hot waves from the pinprick center of their being. The loss of vision, the loss of control, the falling and falling and falling again. Pleasure so acute it hurts in the most white way until there is no place to hide, only a retreat and recuperation.

I imagine things are different. So basically different that her eyes, their eyes are somehow fundamentally feminine, that the world is somehow a different shape from where they sit. I cannot tell, I can only wonder what it feels like for a girl.

American Gods by Neil Gaiman. Weaving part travelogue, fantasy, mythology with insights into our inner selves, this book is unputdownable. As surreal and dark as it gets with out being gory. Read slowly and make sure you create the characters in your head. You won’t forget this book in a long long time.

My Feudal Lord by Tehmina Durrani. Writing in great graphic detail Durrani tells the sordid tale of her awful marriage to one of Pakistan’s most powerful men. It’s a moving book, forcing yourself to think about similar stuff that happens in India. But if it has a failing, then it has to be the tabloid trashy way in which it is written. Much of the later half reads like the notes a Page 3 journalist would make on his/her beat.

Ten Thousand Miles Without A Cloud by Sun Shuyun. Following the trail of a 7th century Buddhist monk is never easy. But in this amazing book, Sun Shuyun does that and a whole lot more. Travelling from China to India through the mystical lands of the Hindukush, she weaves a beautiful personal story along with minute details about Xuan Zhang’s. One of my prized possessions, this book!

(Every once in a while I intend to write about the books I am reading or the music I am listening to. This is the first in such a series of posts.)

A few days ago, at a leisurely dinner, a friend was in a chatty mood. She kept prodding me about what I had done in ‘life’ so far and what I intend to do in the rest of it. Not wanting to act like a prude, I listed out a few things I’ve done. When it came to future plans, I said I had none. “But you have to have some sort of plan for the next 5, 7, 10 years”, she countered. I repeated what I had said but she wasn’t buying it! And it took me a few painful mintues (not the ideal dinner conversation) to lay it all out. So, what did I let out?

• After 5, 10, whatever years, I’d like to be alive and well and doing decent work.
• What that work will be, I don’t know! Putting too much faith in the future means you don’t have faith in what you are doing now.
• But…if you don’t know where you are heading, how will you get there? Answer is, I don’t know! Like the Zen masters say, for me what’s next is what is now and what’s now is what is next. Tomorrow’s indicators come from today and things will change but not that drastically. When you focus too much on the changes, you are certain to lose your way. So, stop tripping over the new stuff and work on what works for you.
• Which means that concentrate on things that won’t change. Like your learning abilities, your focus on getting things right etc; 10 years down the line, people may not care about your Office 2007 skills or your insane PHP coding abilities. What they will care about is how quickly you’ll pick up new things.
• That doesn’t mean that you will be stale or left out. On the contrary, concentrating on things that really matter to you will mean that your skills are more refined, efficient and magnitudes of order better than others.
• Catch the opportunities. Remember that every time you stick to your 10 year plan, there is an opportunity cost to that choice. Don’t put your blinds on and stay the course. Chase the opportunities and for heaven’s sake, open those damn blinds.

Ok.. it’s tag time again and I can’t refuse Chandni!

Ten things you wish you could say to people right now? (don’t take names)

1. Stop asking me stupid questions.
2. We’ll talk later. I am on the phone.
3. It’s all karma, neh?
4. Wow! That’s an ugly ass dress you are wearing.
5. Stop and think for a second about the stuff I tell you.
6. Shut the fuck up!
7. You need to get a freaking life. Stop pretending you love her.
8. Fuck off!
9. Go hump a chair, I could care less.
10. Beer?

Nine things about yourself

1. I can’t forget but I’ll forgive.
2. I have various educational degrees that mean nothing to me.
3. I read because I want to learn. Not because I want to be a book whore and carry a conversation forward.
4. I love backpacking and bare bones travel. You connect to people around you in a much more real way when you backpack.
5. I despise organized religion.
6. I am a loner, most times.
7. I’ve never had a birthday party thrown for me.
8. I often speak my mind out. It gets me into trouble.
9. I don’t get social networks. I fail to understand why they exist.

Eight ways to win your heart

1. Love.. yourself first.
2. Be an honest person…to yourself.
3. Be an intellectual. Challenge me.
4. Learn to make jokes about yourself.
5. Learn to take long walks on the beach. Alone.
6. Surprise me.
7. Must be a foodie.
8. Be humble.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot

1. Mom and Dad’s health
2. Will I enjoy today’s lunch?
3. Do I really like the work I am doing?
4. When will all my lies catch up to me?
5. Is it all worth the effort?
6. Do I have enough money to do this?
7. Does she know?

Two (Six) things you wish you never did

1. Push harder when the push came to shove.
2. Gave up on her faster than I should have.

Five turn offs

1. Religious zealotry
2. Snobbery
3. People who wallow in self-pity
4. BO
5. People who lack a sense of humour

Four turn on’s

1. Intelligence
2. Humility
3. Sense of humour
4. Wavy hair!

Three things you want to do before you die

1. Stop worrying about dying.
2. Sort out the awkward conversations that have happened.
3. Travel along the old Silk Route.

Two smileys that describe you

One confession

1. I really don’t have any!